double u double u double u dot

It's back! I finally have internet again. Honestly, I feel like I haven't missed out on much not having internet at home, but I have missed blogging. Just like with the infertility, blogging was a way to document the process and I thought it would one day be a way to look back at where we'd come to where we were. So now with the divorce just moments away, the blog is a way to document where I've been and where I pray I'll go.

And the whole divorce thing...full speed ahead. It's the only decision he could clearly make without hesitation in our marriage. I'll save that for the next post...

It's December and Christmas is coming. Which means a new year isn't far behind. And that means, this horrible year can be over and a new untainted one can begin. Cheers to that!

moving...out

After I picked myself up off the ground when we separated, I figured it was a good time to get a fresh start. I chopped off most of my hair, reorganized/redecorated the house, and went on a huge shopping spree and loaded up my closet that had just doubled in size. Since I was in a sense, starting over, why not start with a bang. One thing I had planned on doing as well, was taking better care of myself. I wasn't eating all that much after the separation, but after I get used to my new life routine, I started pigging out again.

I've always had a good appetite, my genetically quick metabolism gives me an excuse to eat a lot. I recently noticed some of my new outfits were feeling a little snug in places. Granted, I've been the same dress size since high school, I knew 30 was quickly approaching and I can't ride on the fast-metabolism-lucky-me train forever. To make matters worse, while walking my class to a resource yesterday, I noticed my rear was bouncing like jello. The jiggles reminded me of how badly I needed to get back into yoga.

Yesterday evening shortly after I arrived home, I bent over to love on my Chihuahuas when I heard the back of my dress strain under the weight and promptly rip stitches right out of the seam. The dress was less than 24 hours old and I'd busted out of the seams! Although I'm relieved it didn't happen at school, I'm horrified that it happened at all. I immediately changed into sweatpants, dusted off my yoga gear, and got busy.

An hour later, I was exhausted. I hadn't done yoga since we were in the middle of infertility treatments and embarking on the IVF, so it was truly a work out. Hopefully doing yoga will make me feel better on so many levels. Not to mention saving my clothes from torture. Cheers to getting toned & trim!

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Today would have been 7 years. I think back to the day I was married and I wonder if I missed something that I should have seen. Something that would have made me think twice. But all I remember was how beautiful the day was. I even felt beautiful for once in my life. I guess now I could say I should have seen it coming. I realize now I wasn't welcome into that family. I never really fit in. But I wasn't marrying them, I was marrying him. He was a different person then, a person I planned to be married to till the day I died. That's not the person he is now and I don't quite know when it all changed.

I notice couples out in public and I wonder if I'll ever have that opportunity again. After years of not being good enough, pretty enough, and smart enough, I have serious doubts that anyone would want me with all my imperfections. I want to find someone to love and who will do so in return. Someone who will accept & appreciate me for who I am.

Hopefully one day I'll be able to celebrate a 7th anniversary with someone else. Hopefully one day there will be a someone else. Cheers to finding happiness again...

Role Play

I've been blessed with having many roles in my life. The most important being a daughter, sister, and aunt. I was a wife for nearly seven years; a role that I enjoyed the most and I miss terribly. But I've come to realize, that role was sucking the life right out of me. I didn't, couldn't, see it at the time. It was being a wife that kept me from being a good daughter, sister, and aunt. I tried with all I had, to balance the roles accordingly, but I failed. My role as a wife robbed the others and most of all robbed me from being the person I could be.

Many times over the course of the years in therapy, my ex-husband would complain that the infertility changed me. That it caused me to be a different person and he wanted me to be the way I once was. I thought at the time he was exactly right (in fact I always thought that) but I've come to reflect on the idea that it wasn't the infertility that had changed me completely. It was him. It was our marriage. It was playing that role.

Just the other day I was talking to some old friends. It was wonderful to sit and talk without pressure as to what I said, or if we were leaving yet, or if my ex was uncomfortable. I didn't want to leave the party, but I did feeling rejuvenated. I had forgotten what it was like to have an enjoyable conversation without looks from across the room or rushing out early before I had the opportunity to catch up. The following day these same friends ran into my parents and told them how much they enjoyed talking with me and how sweet I was. I was shocked to say the least. Me sweet? Without the role of a wife, maybe the old me was finally coming through.

Without the role of a wife, I can devote myself to being a good daughter, loyal sister, and most importantly, an amazing aunt. I realize I have to make up for lost time, but I think I've accomplished a lot in the past few months. I've been living in the moment and soaking up every second. I'm aware of so much around me and I'm not missing a minute of it. Making new memories without the role of a wife has been different, and at times difficult. But it's made me realize what matters most to me. And I think I've done a pretty good job playing the other roles.

One day I pray I'll get to be a wife again. A role that I will cherish and I hope will blend seamlessly into being a daughter, sister, and aunt. But for now, I am grounded and comforted by my roles. And that much more aware to live in the present...to be present in the moment.

A look back...

A year ago we were trying the last FET. I was raving about my husband and dreaming about our future. If I could turn back time (I can't even type that without hearing Cher's voice) I would change everything. I would have taken the first step to leave the marriage when the very first incident occurred years ago. I should have seen it coming, but I was young & naive.

Wide awake & dying

That's exactly how I feel. Life is steady moving forward and I'm desperately trying to keep up. I received the call from the attorney I'd been waiting for: he signed the separation agreement. Maybe I should be celebrating, but my heart aches to know there's no turning back now. The legalities of this whole process are very confusing. There's still lots of paperwork to be done concerning my car and the house, but as far as the marriage, it's done.

I look around at other people my age and see them celebrating with their spouses and growing families. At a time in my life where I should be doing the same, I'm starting over. Someone said it's a new chapter, but as far as I can see, it's a whole new book. My entire adult life was spent devoted to him. My memories from the past decade are with the man I loved. I'm starting from scratch making new memories and building a life alone.

Two months have passed since the day he left. Exactly 11 years ago to that day he proposed to me. I never knew that day would send me to my knees in tears. When I said yes I meant forever. I only wish that were still true...

Only through the pain...

One of the bands I've always liked, has a song that sums up my marriage perfectly. I couldn't have said it better myself...

"Black Rose"
I saw you in the garden, I wanted you so much
I really thought that you were different, oh, I couldn't get enough
I tried to save you from yourself, I felt every high and low
But the lows have drowned the highs away now there's nowhere else to go

[Bridge:]
Black rose your thorns are cutting into me for the last time
Black rose I watched your petals wilt away I couldn't bring you back to life

[Chorus:]
You were always where the sun could never go,
I never wanted you to have to be alone
But I couldn't find a way to help you grow,
Black Rose.

You never tell me how you feel and your moods - they always change
I really tried to make it real but you never had the faith
I tried to give you something good to take the pain away
I tried to make you understand - you don't have to be this way

[Bridge]
Black rose your thorns are cutting into me for the last time
Black rose I watched your petals wilt away I couldn't bring you back to life

[Chorus]
You were always where the sun could never go,
I never wanted you to have to be alone
But I couldn't find a way to help you grow,
Black Rose.

I'm not the one who hurt you
So why are you so scared
(I couldn't save you) (You are who you are)
All that you've been put through couldn't be repaired
(I couldn't break through) (we're too far apart)
I'm not the one who hurt, I'm the only one who cares
(I couldn't save you) (You are who you are)
You'll need someone to turn to
And I will not be there
(I couldn't save you)

Everytime I held you I knew that it would hurt
Only through the pain I could find a way to learn

[Bridge]
Black rose your thorns are cutting into me for the last time
Black rose I watched your petals wilt away
So wilt away couldn't bring you back to life

[Chorus]
You were always where the sun could never go,
I never wanted you to have to be alone
But I couldn't find a way to help you grow,
Black Rose.

I'm not the one who hurt you
So why are you so scared
(I couldn't save you) (You are who you are)
All that you've been put through couldn't be repaired
(I couldn't break through) (we're too far apart)
I'm not the one who hurt, I'm the only one who cares
(I couldn't save you) (You are who you are)
You'll need someone to turn to
And I will not be there
(I couldn't save you)

the song..."Black Rose"

From Infertility to Infidelity

I realize my life could be worse, but in my realm of reality, it's been a tough few weeks. If an award could be given for the craziest past year, I might be a potential nominee. From getting a teaching position a few weeks into the start of the school year, to the final infertility treatment, to the end of my 6 and a half year marriage, it's been one wild ride.

I'm brilliant at hiding my pain. I don't need everyone else around me to feel pity or continually ask "what's wrong?" I've had practice with all the years of dealing with infertility on how to hide my emotions. I'm very inept at putting on a happy face for everyone and waiting till I get home to lose it.

The more time passes, the harder it's gotten. The first few days were miserable and I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. Then the reality set in as to the truth behind him leaving me and the anger arrived. Now almost two months later, the anger has diminished greatly, and the feelings I had prior to the separation are in full force. And I hate it...

I don't want to feel love and concern for someone who obviously doesn't feel the same in return, but I can't help it. I want to feel anger and remember all the moments that make the separation worth it, but I can't. I wonder if in the future he'll think of me on my birthday or if he'll remember our anniversary in the fall. I guess I'll never stop caring about him in some capacity, at least not right now.

And someone told me the other day, the infertility was a "blessing in disguise." How true those words are. Maybe one day things will be clear and I'll truly be able to understand all that has taken place over the past year. For now, I try not to dwell on it, but it's been difficult. Even the songs on the radio sum up everything I've been through. I don't even like Beyonce, but the girl speaks sings the truth!

Tomorrow is a new day and full of opportunity. Since I can't keep my homage to the "ex" tags, maybe I'll meet a cute guy at the DMV!

Therapy = Highlights & Hickeys

I went to my therapist yesterday. She's always willing to listen and unfortunately, has experienced divorce as well. We spent two hours together talking and when we were done, I had a new haircut and highlights. My hair dresser is the best therapy money can buy. We've become close over the years I've been going to her and I've been blessed to have such a positive person in my life.

Yesterday however, she was ready to seek revenge. She gave me some pointers and informed me that I can now start calling him "ex-husband." I remember when we were on our honeymoon I had trouble saying husband and now I'm having to call him an ex. Funny how life changes.

When I got home, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I got my viola out and played it with more passion than I have in years. Kyle never liked hearing me play. So I put it away with only an occassional glimpse. I played for two hours and as a result, I'm sporting a nice red hickey on my neck and collar bone. It was refreshing and soothing to the soul to create beautiful music effortlessly.

In reality, I will be visiting the real therapist in a couple of weeks. One of the visits that keeps coming back to haunt me is when I brought up the idea that Kyle was cheating on me. Over a year ago when I found the text message and confronted Kyle then, he became angry and defensive. I remember the doctor telling Kyle it seemed like he had something to hide by his reaction. Kyle stormed out of the office pissed, stating he would never go back to see him again.

If only I'd known then, what I know now...

Starting over

I never imagined I would be writing these words. I'm trying to pick up the pieces, even a month later.

My world as I knew it came crashing down around me on May 3rd. I came home to find the man I loved with every ounce of my being, asking for a divorce. His reason unclear at the time, but I learned all too quickly his motivation for leaving me. He was and had been in love with someone else.

My emotions have ranged from complete devastation to sheer anger and somewhere in between. But through all the pain and deceit, I've found strength I never knew I possessed. I've had to do things I didn't think was possible. And I've come out on the other side smiling.

I wish this wasn't my reality, but it couldn't have come soon enough. My journey to become a mom is far from over. I've heard the saying "everything happens for a reason" more times than I can count. The 5 year struggle with infertility makes sense now. I plan to pursue adoption or possible additional infertility treatments in the future.

But for now, I live.
My fall from grace was shortlived. I have too much to live for to wallow in what was. I know my future it bright and promises many wonderful things.

"One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering." ~Author Unknown