Role Play

I've been blessed with having many roles in my life. The most important being a daughter, sister, and aunt. I was a wife for nearly seven years; a role that I enjoyed the most and I miss terribly. But I've come to realize, that role was sucking the life right out of me. I didn't, couldn't, see it at the time. It was being a wife that kept me from being a good daughter, sister, and aunt. I tried with all I had, to balance the roles accordingly, but I failed. My role as a wife robbed the others and most of all robbed me from being the person I could be.

Many times over the course of the years in therapy, my ex-husband would complain that the infertility changed me. That it caused me to be a different person and he wanted me to be the way I once was. I thought at the time he was exactly right (in fact I always thought that) but I've come to reflect on the idea that it wasn't the infertility that had changed me completely. It was him. It was our marriage. It was playing that role.

Just the other day I was talking to some old friends. It was wonderful to sit and talk without pressure as to what I said, or if we were leaving yet, or if my ex was uncomfortable. I didn't want to leave the party, but I did feeling rejuvenated. I had forgotten what it was like to have an enjoyable conversation without looks from across the room or rushing out early before I had the opportunity to catch up. The following day these same friends ran into my parents and told them how much they enjoyed talking with me and how sweet I was. I was shocked to say the least. Me sweet? Without the role of a wife, maybe the old me was finally coming through.

Without the role of a wife, I can devote myself to being a good daughter, loyal sister, and most importantly, an amazing aunt. I realize I have to make up for lost time, but I think I've accomplished a lot in the past few months. I've been living in the moment and soaking up every second. I'm aware of so much around me and I'm not missing a minute of it. Making new memories without the role of a wife has been different, and at times difficult. But it's made me realize what matters most to me. And I think I've done a pretty good job playing the other roles.

One day I pray I'll get to be a wife again. A role that I will cherish and I hope will blend seamlessly into being a daughter, sister, and aunt. But for now, I am grounded and comforted by my roles. And that much more aware to live in the present...to be present in the moment.