From Infertility to Infidelity

I realize my life could be worse, but in my realm of reality, it's been a tough few weeks. If an award could be given for the craziest past year, I might be a potential nominee. From getting a teaching position a few weeks into the start of the school year, to the final infertility treatment, to the end of my 6 and a half year marriage, it's been one wild ride.

I'm brilliant at hiding my pain. I don't need everyone else around me to feel pity or continually ask "what's wrong?" I've had practice with all the years of dealing with infertility on how to hide my emotions. I'm very inept at putting on a happy face for everyone and waiting till I get home to lose it.

The more time passes, the harder it's gotten. The first few days were miserable and I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. Then the reality set in as to the truth behind him leaving me and the anger arrived. Now almost two months later, the anger has diminished greatly, and the feelings I had prior to the separation are in full force. And I hate it...

I don't want to feel love and concern for someone who obviously doesn't feel the same in return, but I can't help it. I want to feel anger and remember all the moments that make the separation worth it, but I can't. I wonder if in the future he'll think of me on my birthday or if he'll remember our anniversary in the fall. I guess I'll never stop caring about him in some capacity, at least not right now.

And someone told me the other day, the infertility was a "blessing in disguise." How true those words are. Maybe one day things will be clear and I'll truly be able to understand all that has taken place over the past year. For now, I try not to dwell on it, but it's been difficult. Even the songs on the radio sum up everything I've been through. I don't even like Beyonce, but the girl speaks sings the truth!

Tomorrow is a new day and full of opportunity. Since I can't keep my homage to the "ex" tags, maybe I'll meet a cute guy at the DMV!