My heart is full

I first started blogging when I began the journey through infertility so many years ago. It was definitely therapeutic, throughout the infertility and end of my marriage. Not knowing anyone else that had been through both, let alone either traumatic experience, it was my way of venting. A lot has happened since I lasted posted here almost two years ago. A lot. However, the name of this blog still fits. Although I can't quite divulge all the wonderful things that have happened since the last time I logged in, I can relish in the fact that my years and years of trying to become a mom, might just be coming true.

Teaching, I've learned, can be one of the most challenging and most rewarding professions. Now in my 4th year, I've found just how rewarding it can be. Another teacher on my grade level told me around a month ago, about a girl in her class, who she knew was going up for adoption. This girl is currently in foster care with another family at my school and will be up for adoption in just a couple of months. After contacting her social worker, the supervisor of foster care in the state I teach in, and the supervisor of foster care in the state I live in, I've got a long road ahead, but I'm up for the challenge. The crazy thing is, between the three different people that are aware of this case, all of them have said how they've never had someone contact them about adopting a particular child. So this is new territory for all involved, but you never know until you try. The timeline is very short and might not be possible, but I'm not giving up. I've been fighting for the past month to gather as much information as I can and to begin the process, and I'm going to keep fighting until this is over.

I know this girl was placed in the neighboring class for a reason. I know her teacher knew my story and my hope to be a mom for a reason. I know this is supposed to happen so that this girl can have a happy future and I can be the one to give her that. Not only is she smart, beautiful, and oh so sweet, but she is brave. Her past doesn't even begin to show through her kind heart and endearing personality. I hope and pray with everything I have, that everything will work out and that these professionals in charge of this girl's well-being and permanent placement, will understand my hopes, dreams, and heart.

I've only ever wanted to be a mom. And when I found out I couldn't the way that comes naturally to most, I prayed to become a mom just once. My just once sits across the hall from my every day and always stops to say hi.
I will wait for her...
I am more than willing to fight for her...
I am not complete, without her.

Lather, rinse, repeat

Monday: 3 hour class
Tuesday: Tutoring
Wednesday: 2 hour class
Thursday: Tutoring
Friday: Breath, pour, sip, relax

Start it all again the next week.

Honestly, I don't have a thing to complain about. Both of the classes are awesome and the tutoring is a break from the adventures of 5th grade. Life is good...maybe even teetering on the edge of grand. Tomorrow I'm taking half a day off work for a very important event. Good news finally made it's way to my world! Although I'll miss my kids for those first few hours, I'm actually excited to get a few things done around the house tomorrow morning...not to mention a few extra moments of sleep.

A glass half full...

The beginning of a new chapter is a common saying, right?


Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

I'm more than happy to turn the page and read to find out what happens next :)

blame game

Sometimes I find it difficult to put into words everything that is running through my mind. I haven't found the switch to turn the relentless-thoughts-palooza off, but I'm still looking. 9 months later and I would think dealing with everything would be a breeze, but it's not. More time that passes, raises more questions, especially when new information is discovered.

The divorce isn't yet complete and it should have been. In fact, fingers have been pointed and accusations have been made that I'm the one slowing the process down. It's easy to put blame on the innocent in order to make yourself feel better and attempt to erase the guilt. But I know he has to lie in the bed he made while the guilt haunts him. I wasn't the sloppy attorney that made 5 simple mistakes ranging from the wedding date being 3 years too soon or the misspelling of the word circuit, as in circuit court. But because I contacted my attorney about the issues with the divorce paperwork and refused to sign until everything was fixed, I'm "delaying the divorce" and "being difficult." His words, not mine.

So since the attorney filed the divorce decree with the courts before anyone besides myself and my attorney caught the embarrassing mistakes, everything has to be "fixed" and resubmitted before a judge. Every. Single. Mistake.

But alas, I'm the idiot for not signing everything and he "was just trying to be nice" and "save me money." His words, not mine. Nice? Is that even possible after how the marriage ended? When I read those words I actually choked on my own spit. Because yes, now would be the time to be nice. Not when he was sleeping with another woman, lying through his teeth, and leading me on through tangles of stories and bald face lies. He's trying to be nice now. It all makes sense...

2012

So a new year begins. I've never been a fan of New Years Eve. For some reason I would always end up crying when the ball finally dropped and the music would begin. I never liked moving on to another year I think in part because I felt like I was leaving something better behind. Every year I was married and another year would go on without a baby in my arms, it would especially hit me hard. This year however, I didn't cry; I didn't even watch the ball drop. This year I was ready to say goodbye to a year I would soon like to forget. Probably the worst year of my life. I'd like to blame it on the odd numbers. 2011 just looks ugly, but 2012 is so much more appealing.

Maybe this year will have a different outcome. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'd love to know that becoming a mom is in my future by the end of this year. Whether by adoption or further fertility treatments, just knowing that it's not time for me to give up on that dream, would be wonderful. As far as meeting someone new, I'm not holding my breath. That's something I've given up on for now. I'm not in the position to meet someone, and I'm not sure I'm what someone is looking for. I don't even know how to date. I only dated one man, and I'm not sure I'm willing to bear my heart and soul again, with the risk of having it broken and stomped on. Like a hoedown kind of stomping, requiring lots of kicking and heels flying into the ground, repeatedly.

But life goes on and reality came knocking on my door at 5:32 this morning. I didn't want to get up at first, but I remembered the Hokies play in the Sugar Bowl tonight. Oh, and I love my kids at school, so I figured why not? It was worth it. They were worth it. They always are. Now I'm just hoping the Hokies make it worth it too!

My date for New Years Eve

double u double u double u dot

It's back! I finally have internet again. Honestly, I feel like I haven't missed out on much not having internet at home, but I have missed blogging. Just like with the infertility, blogging was a way to document the process and I thought it would one day be a way to look back at where we'd come to where we were. So now with the divorce just moments away, the blog is a way to document where I've been and where I pray I'll go.

And the whole divorce thing...full speed ahead. It's the only decision he could clearly make without hesitation in our marriage. I'll save that for the next post...

It's December and Christmas is coming. Which means a new year isn't far behind. And that means, this horrible year can be over and a new untainted one can begin. Cheers to that!

moving...out

After I picked myself up off the ground when we separated, I figured it was a good time to get a fresh start. I chopped off most of my hair, reorganized/redecorated the house, and went on a huge shopping spree and loaded up my closet that had just doubled in size. Since I was in a sense, starting over, why not start with a bang. One thing I had planned on doing as well, was taking better care of myself. I wasn't eating all that much after the separation, but after I get used to my new life routine, I started pigging out again.

I've always had a good appetite, my genetically quick metabolism gives me an excuse to eat a lot. I recently noticed some of my new outfits were feeling a little snug in places. Granted, I've been the same dress size since high school, I knew 30 was quickly approaching and I can't ride on the fast-metabolism-lucky-me train forever. To make matters worse, while walking my class to a resource yesterday, I noticed my rear was bouncing like jello. The jiggles reminded me of how badly I needed to get back into yoga.

Yesterday evening shortly after I arrived home, I bent over to love on my Chihuahuas when I heard the back of my dress strain under the weight and promptly rip stitches right out of the seam. The dress was less than 24 hours old and I'd busted out of the seams! Although I'm relieved it didn't happen at school, I'm horrified that it happened at all. I immediately changed into sweatpants, dusted off my yoga gear, and got busy.

An hour later, I was exhausted. I hadn't done yoga since we were in the middle of infertility treatments and embarking on the IVF, so it was truly a work out. Hopefully doing yoga will make me feel better on so many levels. Not to mention saving my clothes from torture. Cheers to getting toned & trim!