Only through the pain...

One of the bands I've always liked, has a song that sums up my marriage perfectly. I couldn't have said it better myself...

"Black Rose"
I saw you in the garden, I wanted you so much
I really thought that you were different, oh, I couldn't get enough
I tried to save you from yourself, I felt every high and low
But the lows have drowned the highs away now there's nowhere else to go

[Bridge:]
Black rose your thorns are cutting into me for the last time
Black rose I watched your petals wilt away I couldn't bring you back to life

[Chorus:]
You were always where the sun could never go,
I never wanted you to have to be alone
But I couldn't find a way to help you grow,
Black Rose.

You never tell me how you feel and your moods - they always change
I really tried to make it real but you never had the faith
I tried to give you something good to take the pain away
I tried to make you understand - you don't have to be this way

[Bridge]
Black rose your thorns are cutting into me for the last time
Black rose I watched your petals wilt away I couldn't bring you back to life

[Chorus]
You were always where the sun could never go,
I never wanted you to have to be alone
But I couldn't find a way to help you grow,
Black Rose.

I'm not the one who hurt you
So why are you so scared
(I couldn't save you) (You are who you are)
All that you've been put through couldn't be repaired
(I couldn't break through) (we're too far apart)
I'm not the one who hurt, I'm the only one who cares
(I couldn't save you) (You are who you are)
You'll need someone to turn to
And I will not be there
(I couldn't save you)

Everytime I held you I knew that it would hurt
Only through the pain I could find a way to learn

[Bridge]
Black rose your thorns are cutting into me for the last time
Black rose I watched your petals wilt away
So wilt away couldn't bring you back to life

[Chorus]
You were always where the sun could never go,
I never wanted you to have to be alone
But I couldn't find a way to help you grow,
Black Rose.

I'm not the one who hurt you
So why are you so scared
(I couldn't save you) (You are who you are)
All that you've been put through couldn't be repaired
(I couldn't break through) (we're too far apart)
I'm not the one who hurt, I'm the only one who cares
(I couldn't save you) (You are who you are)
You'll need someone to turn to
And I will not be there
(I couldn't save you)

the song..."Black Rose"

From Infertility to Infidelity

I realize my life could be worse, but in my realm of reality, it's been a tough few weeks. If an award could be given for the craziest past year, I might be a potential nominee. From getting a teaching position a few weeks into the start of the school year, to the final infertility treatment, to the end of my 6 and a half year marriage, it's been one wild ride.

I'm brilliant at hiding my pain. I don't need everyone else around me to feel pity or continually ask "what's wrong?" I've had practice with all the years of dealing with infertility on how to hide my emotions. I'm very inept at putting on a happy face for everyone and waiting till I get home to lose it.

The more time passes, the harder it's gotten. The first few days were miserable and I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. Then the reality set in as to the truth behind him leaving me and the anger arrived. Now almost two months later, the anger has diminished greatly, and the feelings I had prior to the separation are in full force. And I hate it...

I don't want to feel love and concern for someone who obviously doesn't feel the same in return, but I can't help it. I want to feel anger and remember all the moments that make the separation worth it, but I can't. I wonder if in the future he'll think of me on my birthday or if he'll remember our anniversary in the fall. I guess I'll never stop caring about him in some capacity, at least not right now.

And someone told me the other day, the infertility was a "blessing in disguise." How true those words are. Maybe one day things will be clear and I'll truly be able to understand all that has taken place over the past year. For now, I try not to dwell on it, but it's been difficult. Even the songs on the radio sum up everything I've been through. I don't even like Beyonce, but the girl speaks sings the truth!

Tomorrow is a new day and full of opportunity. Since I can't keep my homage to the "ex" tags, maybe I'll meet a cute guy at the DMV!

Therapy = Highlights & Hickeys

I went to my therapist yesterday. She's always willing to listen and unfortunately, has experienced divorce as well. We spent two hours together talking and when we were done, I had a new haircut and highlights. My hair dresser is the best therapy money can buy. We've become close over the years I've been going to her and I've been blessed to have such a positive person in my life.

Yesterday however, she was ready to seek revenge. She gave me some pointers and informed me that I can now start calling him "ex-husband." I remember when we were on our honeymoon I had trouble saying husband and now I'm having to call him an ex. Funny how life changes.

When I got home, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I got my viola out and played it with more passion than I have in years. Kyle never liked hearing me play. So I put it away with only an occassional glimpse. I played for two hours and as a result, I'm sporting a nice red hickey on my neck and collar bone. It was refreshing and soothing to the soul to create beautiful music effortlessly.

In reality, I will be visiting the real therapist in a couple of weeks. One of the visits that keeps coming back to haunt me is when I brought up the idea that Kyle was cheating on me. Over a year ago when I found the text message and confronted Kyle then, he became angry and defensive. I remember the doctor telling Kyle it seemed like he had something to hide by his reaction. Kyle stormed out of the office pissed, stating he would never go back to see him again.

If only I'd known then, what I know now...

Starting over

I never imagined I would be writing these words. I'm trying to pick up the pieces, even a month later.

My world as I knew it came crashing down around me on May 3rd. I came home to find the man I loved with every ounce of my being, asking for a divorce. His reason unclear at the time, but I learned all too quickly his motivation for leaving me. He was and had been in love with someone else.

My emotions have ranged from complete devastation to sheer anger and somewhere in between. But through all the pain and deceit, I've found strength I never knew I possessed. I've had to do things I didn't think was possible. And I've come out on the other side smiling.

I wish this wasn't my reality, but it couldn't have come soon enough. My journey to become a mom is far from over. I've heard the saying "everything happens for a reason" more times than I can count. The 5 year struggle with infertility makes sense now. I plan to pursue adoption or possible additional infertility treatments in the future.

But for now, I live.
My fall from grace was shortlived. I have too much to live for to wallow in what was. I know my future it bright and promises many wonderful things.

"One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering." ~Author Unknown